Wanted: One Full Time Mother
May 10, 2009
Seeking one full time mother to raise a baby. No experience necessary.
The job requires an initial nine month screening process during which you’ll be puking, uncomfortable, and sometimes miserable while carrying a baby to full term. Your body will do things you didn’t think possible and the nine months will end with some of the worst pain you’ve ever experienced.
Here are the skills necessary to be considered for the job of full time mom.
• Change diapers at any time of day or night
• Decipher baby’s cry and calm crying baby
• Setup & organize a baby’s room
• Cook with a kid on your hip or under your feet
• Fast cleaner, able to clean entire house before kid starts making next mess
• Shop for bargains on kids clothes, diapers, etc
• Keep kid entertained with non stop activities
• Ability to discipline kid
• Must teach kid to walk, talk count, eat with silverware, use the toilet, & be polite
• Whatever else is necessary to keep kid alive, healthy, and happy…
This job will not be easy, you will have to endure:
• Lack of Sleep
• Petulant Children
To do this job well you must exhibit:
• Unconditional Love
This is a non-paid position but it does come with benefits you won’t find anywhere else such as undying love of the child and eternal gratitude from the father.
Of course it’s impossible to list all the amazing things you do. When you look at all that’s required it’s a wonder anybody wants the job of full time mom; BUT you do it so well and take such good care of our kids! We’re so lucky to have you in our lives. Happy Mother’s Day!
Note: This is the mothers day card I wrote for my wife today. This afternoon I took both little ones while she headed out on her own for some time away from the kids. After only a few hours of a demanding three year old and a crying newborn I am reminded of how tough a mother’s job can be. Hats off to all the mothers out there!
All posts by Ben Edwards